Tag Archives: personal

Baby countdown midnight rambling

I have started my countdown to welcoming baby number 3 a few weeks ago. By counting down, what I really mean is making a mental list, writing down all some of the stuff in my head, forgetting where i placed the said list and getting nothing done. There’s a lot of prepping I know I need to do and I am no where close to being the perfect girl scout.

Baby number 3 is going to be a challenge with two toddlers under the age of 4 and Marcus (my second born) is currently trying to reestablish his position as baby of the family. He wants to sleep with only mommy and wakes up in the middle of the night looking for mommy. I am at that stage in my pregnancy when I cannot sleep when I need to and I seem to pass out when I shouldn’t. I feel sorry for Aria and Marcus. Sometimes I pass out when they really really need me like when somebody needs to get a certain toy which is out of their reach. I would wake up cranky and finally give in turning the TV on so I could get at least 30 minutes of sleep- which I have to be honest sometimes turn into an hour of snoozing.

Aria is now out of school and enjoying her first summer vacation. She doesnt understand the concept of a summer break yet and constantly ask about going to see her teacher. I let her try to find ways to entertain herself and that usually includes making a mess of whatever she could get her hands on. My house has never been clean for more than an hour since time immemorial. And lately i cannot be bothered cleaning up because of this big watermelon attached to my front. I am the size of a truck now. Searching for/Picking up things under the bed or even on the floor has now been assigned to Aria and Marcus. It takes five years to get that done since they have only started understanding the concept of prepositions. I have not given up training them yet and before this baby number 3 comes out, I will make sure that these two will be masters of doing things for me involving fetching things ‘under’ and  ‘out of’ anything.

I guess I am still not prepared to be a mother of 3 kids. I was never prepared even during the first time when Aria was born. But I am getting by and I can only hope I do not ruin my kids with all my failures as a mom. So baby number 3, Bring it On!

sleeping Aria in our first apartment
Aria sleeping when we brought her home for the first time in our first apartment.
Baby Marcus sleeping baby
Sleeping baby boy Marcus
Aria and marcus
More than a year ago, my babies were still babies…
Ate Aria and Kuya Marcus
My babies now… Aria and Marcus are now ate and kuya.
Advertisements

Navigating our way to being fine…

When people ask me how my dad is doing, I am always overwhelmed on how I should answer. Most of the time I say he is physically well but mentally unwell. I don’t really want to elaborate on how ‘unwell’ he is. I don’t want people to feel sorry for him, to feel sorry for my family… to feel sorry for me… But I don’t want them to think that my dad is doing great so that they will forget him in their prayers. Because he is not okay. And he needs all the prayers he can get.

My father has Alzheimer’s. Some think that Alzheimer’s is a disease with a cure. But it does not have a known cure. And it can only get worse as each day comes. My dad is not even 60. But his mind is quickly degenerating. Every time I go to see him, I fear the day when he will stop remembering me. With my mother’s updates on his well being, I can feel that day is coming really soon…

I miss the times when I knew I could ask him anything and he would have a wise answer- when his advise would weigh so much on my decisions even as an adult. My dad has been a rock to me while I was growing up. Not just to me, but to a lot of people. And it’s difficult to imagine that that rock is slowly being weathered away by factors beyond our control. Factors that we can’t manipulate. Factors that we can only hope to be kind.

These days our conversations are limited to me telling him I love him and asking him how his day was. He would just say fine and bite on his towel. He has developed this uncontrollable knack to bite on a towel my mom gives him. Towel debris would be scattered all over the place where he sits. My mom would need to clean that up. Along with all of the other mess he can’t keep himself from making.

But even if I cannot get a normal conversation with my dad anymore, my kids love him. My kids love their lolo. They think he is funny. And when he shouts, they think its playful banter and they shout back. They would laugh together. They are not afraid. I wanted them to have that kind of relationship with their lolo. Something I missed because I was not close to mine. Something I hope they will remember once the moments and opportunities are gone.

My mother has been a champ through it all. Sometimes she tries too hard to be a champ. We don’t have house help and she takes care of my dad by herself. An alzheimer’s patient being taken care of by an almost 60 year old woman. When she shares her day, whether good or bad, and mostly bad, I am always speechless. I am helpless. How can I give comfort to my mom when my heart is breaking into a million pieces too? How can I tell her its going to be okay when I know it will only get worse? My younger brother has been the most diplomatic among us three siblings. He always has something to say. And God bless his heart that he does not fail to be comforting every time.

I cry during my nightly prayers as I pray for my dad and my mom. For a miracle. For his relief. For my mom’s strength and endurance and protection… And that’s the only time I find comfort. I won’t get it anywhere else. No where else.

“my hope is built on nothing less…

on Christ the Solid rock I stand,

All other ground is sinking sand.

All other ground is sinking sand…”

 

Locked out for a while…

i lost my password to this blog when I got back from vacation last year. its been almost 6 months! I tried starting a new blog at rachelscribbler.wordpress.com but ofcourse, as usual, I did not get to post much. I have ventured into deep motherhood mode with Aria starting nursery and a new bub on the way. My OB Gyne asked me if I was serious that I wanted four kids after watching Aria and Marcus trashing her office. I just laughed it out. But the chubhub gave me the serious talk about this being the last kid.

I don’t know. I still feel incomplete. I want four. But who knows? My heart might change after another year of sleepless nights and losing more of my sanity.

 

Dear Dad, it’s becoming clear to me now…

Been going through a lot in the personal issues department lately so I decided to put off writing about happy stuff for a while, til I found my momentum and until i established what I really want to be writing about.

A few years ago, my dad retired prematurely by his own choice and left Dubai (his home for more than two decades) to live in the Philippines. I was a bit resentful about the move because I was hoping my kids would  grow to an age where they would have memories of their grandparents. I knew though that the distance was not going to make that possible and since we were expats, and expats were (most of the time) paid according to the color of their skin, I was very, very resigned to starting a life away from my parents. We couldn’t afford to be too extravagant with traveling to the Philippines during all the breaks that we have. It would be more practical to send the money that spend it there.

My dad has been diabetic since he turned 40. His health has always been on a very gradual decline because of work related stress, family related stress (induced by 3 stubborn and hard headed kids), and poor eating habits. There are so many unhealthy food within reach in the UAE that it is no wonder that most of the population are overweight and diabetic (including me?!).

Lately, his memory has not been at its peak. He has started forgetting names, and even events in his life. For someone who hasn’t even reached 60, my dad has started being too forgetful.

A few months ago, after his trip to visit us here in Qatar and my older brother’s family in the UAE, his health was in such a state that we couldn’t ignore it anymore. Even he knew he had to get himself checked… When he did, after numerous procedures and tests, they found a completely blocked vein and two partially blocked ones. He was a timebomb waiting to explode.

My dad is still young. I still want him around.

Now I understand why he retired early.

He knew he wasn’t in the best of shape. His memory was failing him constantly. He couldn’t work properly because his mind was always blank or he couldnt remember things he needed to do. He wanted to save face.

I understand now Dad, you went because you had to go.

I hope you take care of yourself Dad. I still want you around. Even if there is the big distance between us, we can still be constantly connected by technology. I still want my kids to have memories with you Dad. The ones where they realize they love you and want you in their life… the way I feel about you.

How not to manage your blog

If there is one thing I have been doing for a long time that I am not doing very well at, it is blogging. Yesterday, I got my 1000th like in this blog. It took 3 years?! to get 1000 likes for me. I swear once I got that notification, I did a little dance.

It doesn’t really bother me though… that I am slow in growing this blog. I have to be honest that there are a couple of times I wished I could be a bigger celebrity blogger. But right now, I have other priorities that are taking up a big chunk of my time. I have done research upon research on how other mommy bloggers are making a name for themselves, with post after post on time management, crafting, pinning, cooking, etc. some of the tips I tried to apply. And they never really worked for me.

I keep finding myself waiting for the kids (2 small and one grown up) to fall asleep and then I spend my me time blogging. It might be at 2 am, or at 5 am. Sometimes, that ‘me time’ never comes.

I am also not a blog whore. I find it so hard to promote myself. I envy those who can. If I could hire someone to promote me, I would. But then, I would need money for that and money I do not have. Maybe after a few more posts, I could start whoring my blog. Maybe… or not. whatever.

I find it so hard to finish posts too. There are times I try to write a post and then the baby starts to cry. I let him cry for a little while and then that cry turns to a wail. And I know I wont be a good mom if I let that wail turn into vomiting. So I stop and lose my momentum. And when I try again, I just can’t seem to find the ending to a post.

 

PS. this is the perfect example of that last paragraph… But I’ll post it anyway.

 

 

5 Things I learned (or relearned) on our recent euro-trip

I know I am talking too much about this trip and not about anything else. Well, it’s just that I have been living the mundane life of a housewife that our recent trip was the most exciting thing that has happened to me. So I am apologizing for a few months worth of posts about nothing else but that trip (hopefully I find something else to talk about soon).

Anyway, looking back at that amazing (and exhausting 10 days), I do have some things I wished I had done differently. Here are my top 5 lessons learned that I am hoping never to repeat again. Maybe I realized them already when I went on my euro-trip in 2009 but forgot about it since I didn’t get to travel again until 2011. If I did, how I wished I had paid more attention to myself back then.

5. I should’ve bought that item I really really wanted to buy the first time I saw it.

I wanted that book from the museum at George Pompidou but didn’t buy because I thought I’d just come back for it before we leave but I didn’t get the chance to. And that pair of Dr Marten boots I saw on a Saturday that I thought I’d come back for the next day not knowing that Sunday is rest day for most of Paris. So many missed opportunities… We did buy one poster at the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam, but the Chubby Hubby left it on the train from to Belgium and we couldn’t get it back. Boo freaking Hoo!

at the George Pompidou center
at the George Pompidou center

4. I wished I joined a tour of the Louvre.

The Louvre is a massive place. There were so many things I wanted to see that I didn’t get to see because it would have taken an entire day. And I know there are things I didn’t get to see that I should’ve gone to see. If I had joined a tour, I could’ve seen the important things and got a comprehensive overview of the entire place in two or three hours. But at least I got to see the Mona Lisa.

Aria at the grand gallery infront of the Mona Lisa, the big painting of the Wedding at Cana behind her
Aria at the grand gallery infront of the Mona Lisa, the big painting of the Wedding at Cana behind her

3. We could use more family pictures

Yup, I only have that one picture of the four of us at the Eiffel tower. I volunteered to take a picture of a couple at the Eiffel and they in turn took our picture. There was also one on my phone when a passerby volunteered to take a picture of us. Just two family pictures in 10 days. Wow.

2. 2 cities was enough for 10 days.

Traveling with two kids 2 and below was the biggest adventure we had on this trip. Just hauling them both from one place to another was exhausting. We visited three cities and didn’t get to do enough in each city because we got too tired and the chubby hubby wanted to take things slow. If we were still a little younger, and there were no kids, we could have added a city and maximized our sight seeing. But with our added baggage (aka booger and bear) taking it slow and just seeing two cities would have been the best thing. We wouldn’t be in a hurry all the time and we wouldn’t be too tired.

The atomium in Brussels, The Rembrandt Museum in Amsterdam, Aria at the Arc De Triomphe
The atomium in Brussels, The Rembrandt Museum in Amsterdam, Aria at the Arc De Triomphe

1. Never compromise your must-see list.

So many places, so little time. I had a list of must visit places for each city. I wished I had followed them all.

Oh well, there will always be next time… Unless the chubby hubby has given up on traveling. I hope not.

How to avoid posting anything too emotional online

Finish writing, take a deep breath and go and do something else.

Then come back and see if the post is really worth sharing.

I have been reminding myself that everything I post online, stays online. Since I am a very emotional person, I tend to update my FB stats or write a blog post about exactly how angry I am or how frustrated I am or how happy I am. Sometimes I post something too personal. Sometimes, I post something too shallow. I know it can get annoying when we over-share. So lately, I have been exercising a lot of self control in my life online. If I really need to vent, I find a friend I can talk to.

My pregnancies have always been packed with a lot of hormones but compared to my first, the latest one was more subtle when it came to over-sharing online. I am proud to say that I did manage to exercise some self control. Yippeheyhey! Need to be an example to these kiddos.

Aria and Marcus hanging out
Aria and Marcus Hanging out