it is already midnight and I can’t sleep. I have my driving exam tomorrow and examinations always get me anxious. I have always had a fear of failure. Failing school exams, medical laboratory tests- eye tests (thankfully i still have a 20-20 vision), blood tests, job aptitude tests, or any thing that requires a test of some sort. If I could, I would avoid taking tests entirely. Just so my heart doesn’t break. Or I would not even try to get ready (except when I really love the subject), so that I can tell myself that I failed because I wasn’t ready. I think deep down, I really hated failing. And growing up, I never learned how to cope with the feelings of failure… of not being good enough for anything. Now as an adult, I do what I can do best- avoid. Avoid giving myself a chance at winning, or even being good at something… I will just let myself fail, because if I try, and I fail, it would hurt more. I guess it is a bit unhealthy- mentally… spiritually… emotionally…
I am almost 40 and I still can’t drive. But I have come to that phase in my family life that i would need to chauffer my kids around… I mean there are four of them, and they all have different activities, different friends… and taxis are so expensive now, though UBER has made life more convenient. The chubbhubb needs to work so I need to start driving… I mean I can drive now- after 30 something 45 minute lessons, at 1000 USD I better know how to drive! But I still can’t legally drive because I failed my road test. I know in my head that I can do it, but because it is a test, I feel like I know I am going to fail. But I know I shouldnt… but I did… do you get me? I know I deserve that license and I drive better than other people, but I feel like I will fail just because there is a test. It’s crazy, but it’s true. My anxiety is so bad, that I can’t sleep.
So tomorrow, I have my second chance to get my license. Another episode of sitting in the waiting room with metal chairs that freeze my butt along with other 100 women whose butts I bet are freezing too. Another chance to get anxious and make mistakes. Another chance to fail….
But what if I pass? What if I get my license tomorrow (or in a few hours)? Only God knows. I pray that I don’t make mistakes. that I will hear what the tester dude instructs me to do. That I will do perfectly what I already know to do. Without hesitation, without fear. That God would grant me the happiness of owning a legitimate driver’s license- the desires of my heart as of this moment. That I will be a legitimate adult! An adult that is licensed to drive an automatic vehicle!
I will try to rest now. In a few hours, I will once again take that test. And pass or fail, I pray that I will have the strength to cope… to not want to die… to live… to try again…