Officially old

I am now forty exactly 3 months today. To be honest, 40 feels like 39. I don’t necessarily feel wiser, or that my life has just begun, but when I fill up forms, I am now part of the next option (x)40-50. That’s pretty much the major change.

But 40 has been fun! Since I turned (sounds like I became a vampire or something), I have been spending a lot of time keeping in touch with the old friends. I have noticed that I am spending less time with some of the friends I have made and gotten close with the past years… Whenever this happens, I always think of the words from the great JMC- the friends we know, we meet along the way, and soon the times we shared, are part of yesterday, coz life’s a constant change and nothing stays the same…

I have also tried started losing weight and finally did lose weight. But I gained some of the weight back because of Covid.

Yes I got Covid, but thankful that I got it after my vaccinations and booster shot. It felt like a really bad flu with really bad asthma. I can now literally imagine how it must have been for those who have not been vaccinated and got it last year… I thought of the so many friends, loved ones and acquaintances who did get it… the people we lost in 2020… I am still recovering with a cough but thankful that all the other flu symptoms are gone.

And lastly the latest development is that we are adulting real hard by getting our Dream house (70% dream house and 30% compromise because of budget) constructed! Money should not be an issue if you really want to have 100% of your dreamhouse made! However, we are totally making it an issue because number one- we do not want to be impractical and number 2- we only want to spend what we can afford. So we have to be meticulous and pragmatic about everything in this build. No extravagant wishlists! No crazy decisions! No getting swayed by upsellers! I do have some no compromise items in my dream house. So I am hoping the architect we decided to go with honors that. Going forward, I have thought Id share my experience in getting a house built in the Philippines, with us being in another country, so expect a lot of house updates in the coming weeks.

That sounds so mature!

Wow I rock being 40!

Almost 40

I had a list.

A list of things I wanted to do before I turned 30… nothing came out of that… so I made a list of things I wanted to do before I turned 40… But now I am at a point in my life where I will be making another list of things I want to do before turning 50.

Wow 40! Big number. I can not imagine I have been existing for almost 40 years (excluding my time in utero). But here I am counting the days when I will be 40. I have been forced lately (literally thinking against my will) to recall this list of things and I am sad, well not really sad but more of bothered, to say that I haven’t crossed off much.

So why still make a list? To remind myself that I need to do these things So i can keep track that I am getting things done? Knowing full well I will not be able to do anything (low self esteem monsters eating my brain) to achieve my goals, I do not want to give myself the trouble again. But they say life begins at 40! How am I to know that I will not be doing anything significant in the next decade? My goodness 4 decades of pointless existence! (monsters leave me be!)

Seriously though… I do have a beautiful (noisy) family. And they make me feel fulfilled. Atleast most of the time…

I wanted to write a book though. And sky dive. Have a business doing art. Teach my kids to paint. Get my driver’s license. Visit Florida and see Disney World. Watch the Aurora Borealis. I wanted to accomplish something meaningful…

Wow… 40… Midlife crisis brewing here in my head! Atleast my kids are all big enough to wipe their own butts… oh wait, I still have the little one… oh well! I feel sorry for the chubb hubb who has to deal with all of this. This big momma is going to be in a sulky, brooding mood in the coming weeks. 40… maaan!… I still feel like I am 30.

The Need to Learn to Write Again

My daughter is almost done with third grade. This past school year we have decided to homeschool the kids because of (1) the pandemic (2) tuition fee is high in regular schools and with the constant lockdowns, it is me who would do all of the teachings anyway, and (3) it felt like the right thing to do at the time. I have to admit that when we started, I had no idea what I was doing. Tried to be a regular teacher, doing the daily classes, sitting with each kid for a few hours a day… I was exhausted and I developed anxiety. Started to get depressed and started to feel so angry all the time. The house was a mess, food was always delayed, and everyone was unhappy at home… That is not what I really wanted to write about… my mind just kind of went there… I guess what I want to say is, it was not easy. This homeschool thing is a lot of responsibility that you put on your shoulder to fully developed the human beings that you are raising. Suddenly, you have to make sure they become smart- and I have high standards of being smart. So now, I have started putting pressure on myself to make sure that my kids reach the standard of smartness that I want! That responsibility use to go to my kid’s school! When they are bad at something, it’s something I can address to my kid’s teachers. Now I am my kid’s school! So when my kids fail or are bad at something… and believe me, this homeschooling thing shows you how bad/smart/good/lazy your kids are when it comes to learning. You will see it immediately with their exercises after each lesson. And boy did I see a lot of red flags!

One of the things that frustrated me about my daughter’s learning journey is how she writes. I am not saying I am a good writer. I know that I am just an okay writer, but… not… bad. I enjoy good writing (books, essays, poetry) and it irks me when I read really bad writing. For the past 9 months of school, I have read a lot of bad writing… from my 8-year-old. The first few essays she wrote for some of her tests, made me feel like such a failure of being a mom who likes to write… well used to… until I lost my inspiration. I felt like this was something I never tried to influence my children in. Writing. And it’s time to do that. Influence…

But I don’t know how to start influencing the way they write… Right now, I don’t even know if I still remember how to. My daughter seems to have forgotten (because she used to write nicely from her previous school). I do blame myself.

So I am going to need to learn to write again. They say when you have kids, you have to start reviewing all your lessons up to high school. Because they will ask you for help and you better have answers. This pressure is doubled when you are a homeschooling parent. There is no one you can blame when they fail, except yourself. Not their teachers. Not their school. But yourself.

Let’s see what happens in the next few months after trying to relearn and re-love writing. If you have any suggestions dear friends, let me know.

Failing as an adult- How I feel, and How I hope to feel

it is already midnight and I can’t sleep. I have my driving exam tomorrow and examinations always get me anxious. I have always had a fear of failure. Failing school exams, medical laboratory tests- eye tests (thankfully i still have a 20-20 vision), blood tests, job aptitude tests, or any thing that requires a test of some sort. If I could, I would avoid taking tests entirely. Just so my heart doesn’t break. Or I would not even try to get ready (except when I really love the subject), so that I can tell myself that I failed because I wasn’t ready. I think deep down, I really hated failing. And growing up, I never learned how to cope with the feelings of failure… of not being good enough for anything. Now as an adult, I do what I can do best- avoid. Avoid giving myself a chance at winning, or even being good at something… I will just let myself fail, because if I try, and I fail, it would hurt more. I guess it is a bit unhealthy- mentally… spiritually… emotionally…

I am almost 40 and I still can’t drive. But I have come to that phase in my family life that i would need to chauffer my kids around… I mean there are four of them, and they all have different activities, different friends… and taxis are so expensive now, though UBER has made life more convenient. The chubbhubb needs to work so I need to start driving… I mean I can drive now- after 30 something 45 minute lessons, at 1000 USD I better know how to drive! But I still can’t legally drive because I failed my road test. I know in my head that I can do it, but because it is a test, I feel like I know I am going to fail. But I know I shouldnt… but I did… do you get me? I know I deserve that license and I drive better than other people, but I feel like I will fail just because there is a test. It’s crazy, but it’s true. My anxiety is so bad, that I can’t sleep.

So tomorrow, I have my second chance to get my license. Another episode of sitting in the waiting room with metal chairs that freeze my butt along with other 100 women whose butts I bet are freezing too. Another chance to get anxious and make mistakes. Another chance to fail….

But what if I pass? What if I get my license tomorrow (or in a few hours)? Only God knows. I pray that I don’t make mistakes. that I will hear what the tester dude instructs me to do. That I will do perfectly what I already know to do. Without hesitation, without fear. That God would grant me the happiness of owning a legitimate driver’s license- the desires of my heart as of this moment. That I will be a legitimate adult! An adult that is licensed to drive an automatic vehicle!

I will try to rest now. In a few hours, I will once again take that test. And pass or fail, I pray that I will have the strength to cope… to not want to die… to live… to try again…